I’ve been thinking about my ex boyfriend a lot. Like too much. Like more than is healthy. Yesterday I stayed up until 3 in the morning, baking so I could distract myself from thinking about him more. It wasn’t very successful. I dreamt about him and I remembered it in the morning. That usually means something for me… typically, I don’t remember my dreams unless they have some significance.
My ex boyfriend is one of the reasons I’m against commitment, and one of the reasons I’ve preferred to stay single for all these years. We were together for about 6 years, although if you count the periods we broke up it might only amount to about 4. In any case, for 6 years he was in my life and had quite a negative effect on me and my life. I’ve mentioned this before and it would be normal to ask – why did you stay? Well, that’s another story.
When I think about him I remember some of the good times but this is always followed by the bad. Our good times didn’t last for long, although when life was good it was amazing. Extreme charm and good looks were unfortunately marred by his faults. Most of my friends thought I was so lucky to have such a guy and we were also the envy of his friends. If only they knew.
This evening I (stupidly) decided to look up “Russell Grant” and for those who don’t know, he’s a “fortune teller”. Yes, Haraam and against Islam therefore I probably deserved what happened next…
Someone from the past could make a comeback into your life. Work out whether this will be good for you. After all, you’ve made tremendous progress since you parted company with them. Is it possible they held you back in some way? You must admit, you have a tendency to put your needs aside for the sake of others. By entering back into this friendship, your accomplishments could fall by the wayside. Maintain strong personal boundaries and hold out for something better
Doubts are surfacing regarding the impending move to Libya. I don’t think I want to do it anymore. That’s kind of a drastic thing to start pondering on this late in the game right?
I battled with the decision to go in the first place. I was offered a job in April. I refused. I was offered a job again in June. I said I’d think about it. I went back in November fully intending to refuse since after much thought, prayer and weighing up the pros and cons I decided it wasn’t a place I wanted to live and I also had/have doubts about the company I’m going to work for. I remember I made istikhara and then I found out, literally days later, that there were issues with Egyptian tourist visas and it seemed to all intents and purposes that this was a sign! To Libya and beyond! But nope, the idea of going to Libya still didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t properly put my finger on the problem; it was just a feeling inside.
I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you, it’s personal, myself and I, we’ve got some straightening out to do.
I had so many talks with my colleagues about this while I was in Libya the last time. It seemed the question on almost everyone’s lips was “Why don’t you join us? We need you”. Each person who spoke these words did so for different reasons, but all unanimously felt I held the keys to solving their individual problems and helping to take the company forward into a new phase; but at what price to my own comfort, freedom and peace of mind?
I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
On every occasion spent with one or other colleague, listening to their complaints, frustrations, hopes and fears, I felt the dreaded onset of a headache. My brain was bursting with the information going in, the circulation of the problem inside my brain and the solutions coming out the other side. I “coached”, advised, action planned and supported individuals until I was drained. Of an evening a colleague would ask “Where shall we go tonight?” and I could only look forward to the prospect of vegging out in front of the TV, to numb my mind and stop the thinking. I was tired when I returned to Egypt; emotionally and mentally drained.
Despite all of this, I accepted the final job offer.
I’ve got to get a move on with my life. It’s time to be a big girl now and big girls don’t cry
What are my reservations about going to Libya and working for this company? I’ll get to that, but I’d like to precede it with something positive. The job will give me the chance and experience to move forward in the arena of training and development. Career wise it’s a win-win opportunity. Whether I succeed or fail, I will have been given the chance to solidify my experience in training and the confidence to take it further. However I can see that this experience is going to need all the strength (of mind and determination) that I can muster. I haven’t been feeling particularly strong in the last year and I specifically went into freelancing because I was tired of company internal politics, struggles and in-fighting. Cowardly? No, I just wish to perform to the best of my ability and transfer my skills and knowledge, minus the sometimes demoralising and demotivating forces which can inhibit that. I was and I am fed up of having to put on my tough girl exterior to get through each day.
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
It’s not the thought of hard work that’s giving me doubts either. If a job isn’t challenging for me then I quickly lose interest anyway, but sometimes what comes in the guise of challenge is in actual fact bureaucracy, procrastination, laziness and general pigheadedness. I don’t find navigating this kind of thing stimulating at all!
This links to one of my worries which is the lack of support and team work which I know I will face. I can’t complain too much about the latter factor since it will be part of my job to develop this, however it’s the support factor which will require the strength I don’t know if I have or not; is there any left or have I used it all up? In this company, the general environment is one of “centralisation” – nothing is done without the authorisation, reauthorisation and just one last kick from the MD since nobody believes you when you say you have the authorisation. Another feature is “every man for himself” – if something doesn’t affect or benefit another then nobody cares about it. To get any support you pretty much have to go to the MD to administer that one last kick. This all amounts to a need for some serious patience skills… I don’t have them!
The path that I’m walking I must go alone. I must take the baby steps ’til I’m full grown, full grown.
So where does all of this leave me now? I guess I can’t very well contact them and tell them I’ve changed my mind. Well I could, but then would I always wonder about the “chance” I missed? Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball 🙂
Can it really be that bad? A year goes past so quickly, as 2008 demonstrated. By the end of 2009 I’d have full right to not continue if I found I wasn’t happy, right?
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
I don’t worry about failing. I know I’ll succeed in some way. I know I’ll make changes, even in the face of opposition. I know I’ll leave my mark, my fingerprints. I guess I’m just anxious about the road which will lead me there.
And I foresee the dark ahead…
Don’t be so negative Zakhak! 😀
I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you, it’s personal, myself and I, we’ve got some straightening out to do.
I’m going to soldier on. I’m mentally putting my “Plan B” together which is a return to the UK, but I’m going to try and work through these doubts, start shoring up the strength which I’m going to need to make a go of this next phase of my life and try to focus on the positives. Nothing worth having in life comes easily and I believe this job will have a positive effect on my career development.
I need to be with myself and centre; clarity, peace, serenity.
This is a dumb post, but I figured if I wrote it down I could see for myself how silly I’m being.
I’m having separation issues – with my furniture.
Yeah I know…. dumb.
When I accepted the job offer which entails leaving Egypt and my flat, I noticed bit by bit I was picking out stuff that I wanted to take with me. It started with my Ikea table and chair (which I didn’t get easily and is also still in the packaging), it then extended to my TV stand and shelf which I only got specially made about 2 months ago (and I designed it), this was followed by the TV itself (coz it was fresh off the van when I bought. And no it wasn’t stolen just a new model to the shop!), my bed (coz it’s habitat and a divan not like the horrible wooden beds which are then norm here) and the list goes on until I was practically making plans to take everything but the kitchen sink.
I then gave myself a mental slap and told myself to stop being silly and just pack my books and clothes and I was fine with that. I made my list of items and put down the sale prices and that was it. Friends talked to me about buying certain things and I was like “Yeah sure. Anything you want, we have time”. Today I started increasing the “take” list again (in my mind) and then realized I have about 15 days left to sort myself out and no firm offers for selling anything.
Just as I was planning to open my list of stuff to sell and recategorise the “take” and “sell” items again I came across a website where someone in Cairo is looking for furniture for sale. I guess that was a sign aye. I’ve sent this person an email and we’ll see what happens.
I’m such an arse.
Why am I attached to the furniture? It’s just wood and material!
I guess it’s a bit more symbolic than that.
This stuff is the first I’ve bought in 6 years. I’ve always rented furnished flats during this time and was never really comfortable. I bought a lot of this stuff with the money I saved from my hell year in Germany. The rest was from the sweat of my freelancing and altogether it symbolized for me – home. This flat has been my hiding hole for the last 6 months at least and everything in it belongs to me… right down to the kitchen and bathroom taps! When I sell that stuff, I’ll be back to being one woman and her suitcase (s). Nomadic zakhak. Maybe I should buy a camel.
I’m not having doubts about leaving Egypt and even if things don’t work out in Libya I don’t mind. Libya has just fast tracked my eventual departure from Egypt. It doesn’t matter where I go next; I just know I have to leave.
I do wonder about the reason for me returning to Egypt last year. I don’t really understand how something which felt so right at the beginning of 2008 could become such a pain by the end. A dear friend of mine suggested that I needed to be here in order to make the connection with Libya since if I had returned to England as was planned I probably would have got stuck into a 9-5 and cut all ties with this region. I was offered a job with this same Libyan company early in 2007 and I refused then too. I never thought I would ever visit Libya. Pre-2007 I heard such bad stories about the people so it was not on my top 100 list of places to visit (I’ve since found all stories were lies or over exaggerated!)
Well anyway, I don’t know what’s in store for me next but for now I need to get over my separation issues. Yes, even that “Kian” lamp which I dearly loved will have to go!
I’m leaving on a jet plane don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh babe, I (don’t) hate to go.
I’ll be off (again!) at the end of December. I had a job offer in Libya and I accepted. Subhan’Allah it fit in with my career development plans. I will be the Training and Development Manager and responsible for setting up a new department. When I went to Libya I intended to refuse the job they previously offered me, but the MD surprised me by offering me this which is completely different (it was after I conducted a course which he attended! How about that for a confidence booster!) I still wanted to refuse, because I’m still not convinced I will like living in Libya, but after considering the job, salary and benefits I figured it would be ok to make the “sacrifice” for a year or two. Who knows what will happen during that time. Libya is developing and changing daily so maybe on a personal level things will improve. The lack of distractions will also help me to work on my other development goals. I know the work will keep me busy and they’ll depend on me for a load of other things, but during my free time when there aren’t any places to go or places to shop I can work on the other things I need. Additionally not being a freelancer will mean I can travel more (Insha’Allah!) since I don’t have to worry about a steady income.
So, the next few weeks will be spent saying my goodbyes, selling furniture, throwing away junk and packing my babies (books) and clothes. I was planning to take certain furniture pieces with me, but I figured it wasn’t worth it. The company will provide me with furnished accommodation and I don’t want to be stuck trying to sell stuff when I eventually leave Libya.
I’m part excited, part scared and part sad.
Excited: the job will be a real challenge and something I’m totally interested in!
Scared: It’s kind of new for me and I really want to make a success of this. I’ve done training courses but never as my main job.
Sad: I’ll be leaving some great friends behind, some I’ve only just met and others who have been a major support for me and me for them. I wish I could take them with me.
I don’t think I’ll be sad to leave Egypt. Things have just changed too much here and life is getting harder for the average man on the street. A friend of mine just stopped by my flat and he told me his landlord raised his rent more than 100% and the flat he just bought (because of the rent increase and he’ll be paying installments probably for the next 100 years) needs 6000LE to install the electricity otherwise he’ll have to wait 1 or 2 years in a waiting line to have it installed! ELECTRICITY! This is a guy who has a family and lives in quite a poor area and doesn’t have a very large income! My landlord tried to do the same to me too but I figured he just had sour grapes coz I’m leaving (he threatened to call the police if I didn’t pay by the way! This was on the day I arrived back from Libya – Ahlan wa Sahlan! And no I didn’t pay!)
Anyway, this, plus a few other undesirable things I’ve seen in the last 3 days (not to mention the 1000+ that I’ve seen in the last year!) all make me feel it’s high time I packed up and moved on. It also seems that this visa issue never ends and there are still a whole load of new stories popping up all other the place! You can’t base your life on such uncertainties.
Now the time has come to leave you. One more time let me kiss you, and then close your eyes. I’ll be on my way
They’ve changed the visa rules in Egypt. I live here on a tourist visa, as do a number of others. It’s always been fine for many nationalities to renew their visa annually and live here without the need to marry an Egyptian, work or study. The five year residence visa is impossible to obtain without the former two factors. Foreigners come here for a number of reasons; some to retire, some for the cheaper cost of living, some buy property, some for hijrah – it’s one of the easiest countries to live in visa wise so an apt choice for those looking for relief from the stress, expense or isolation they may face in their home countries. Egyptians have always been seen to welcome others and so the former mentioned groups can live in relative peace and happiness.
Those living in this way also tend to integrate better into the society as opposed to the Petroleum expats who simply see it as a benefit to live like kings while their wives, shop, beautify themselves, get chauffeured around by the driver (yes darling), do lunch (and sometimes “do” the local help from what I’ve heard), oh and they’ll learn their one Arabic word – Shukran!
The company I worked for before employed me and paid me via their European head office in order to save the hassles of applying for the work visa, the process for which is a mess of red tape and bureaucracy. Many companies here in Egypt are employing foreigners “under the table” for this reason and while it’s not right, they blame the hassle and expense. Others say it’s unfair to the Egyptians who would be able to do the same job and lose the chance because of these “khawagaat”. According to my previous employers if this was the case they wouldn’t have hired me since the Egyptian is far cheaper, but in their experience less productive. Kheir. It’s not about who may be better or worse. This will now end!
In the past couple of weeks, those going to get their annual visa renewed at Mogamma in Tahrir (read “Hell’s reception” and star of the hilarious Adel Imam movie Irhab wil Kebab) have been informed that they will be given 3 months only after which they’ll not be able to obtain another. They will need to get married, get a job or study if they want to remain in the country. In the words of one such foreigner “It’s not enough to love Egypt and Egyptians anymore”.
The major shock, upheaval and mess this is going to cause for some doesn’t bear thinking about. I’ve read that there are people with property here who can’t get the residence visa due to delays in paperwork or general maladministration. There are people who have sold up everything in their home countries to settle in Egypt because there was no indication that this was going to happen. So why did it happen? Apparently it’s a tit for tat strategy in response to the alleged mistreatment of Egyptians by foreign embassies. The reams of paperwork, waiting times and lack of respect which Egyptians face when applying for European visas which is in opposition to the ease foreigners experience when their visas are granted in the airport on arrival, has prompted the foreign minister to issue a number of complaints to the European Ambassadors. Are their complaints justified? I’m not Egyptian so I haven’t experienced it, but assuming that the people doling out this disrespectful treatment are Egyptian embassy workers themselves it gives rise to the fact that there is more to this than simple inequality.
Customer service in general is lacking here in Egypt; sour faced government employees, who could kill you with a look; don’t expect a smile! Sullen shop assistants who prefer to lose a sale rather than find you your preferred size; don’t expect a “Good day”! Supermarket cashiers who throw your groceries down the checkout; don’t expect a thank you! So who can expect the embassy staff to be any better?
This man puts the situation into context:
Serious visa people
Sir– Re ‘Unacceptable treatment‘ ( Al-Ahram Weekly 21-27 August), there is definitely no balance in the way Egyptians get their visas and the manner Europeans do. A European can enter and simply “buy” the entry visa at the airport for 15 euros. For an Egyptian, having a visa to the EU entails a mass of paperwork, bank account statements as well as guarantees. Are EU embassies treating Egyptians unfairly? I don’t think so. The process might be complicated but it’s straightforward and clear. There is little manoeuvring an EU embassy official can do to deny a visa if documentation is correct and complete.
The Schengen visa constitutes 25 countries today, and many people “shop” around trying to see cracks in the system and see which embassy is the easiest to trick, not knowing that the News SYSII has all shared data and information across the entire EU and Switzerland. I do not want to imply that any Egyptian applying for an EU visa is trying to go with an ulterior motive, but sadly we have to look at the reality of the day and that sums up the situation in economy terms.
Europeans are in large measure tourists and they come helping the economy spending their euros. I doubt that anyone will arrive to the shores of the land of Egypt to seek illegal employment or asylum. Given the official statistics, Egypt, after Iran and Pakistan, holds for the European Union the most number of forgeries, attempts at cutting the system and definitely trying to work, or as an asylum seeker, when travelling on the basis of a tourist visa.
Do Egyptians feel that they are badly treated? I guess they do, but Europeans never were “too warm” or like Egyptians who like to be “friends” from the first encounter. It might seem rude to Egyptians but from a European point of view, you are a visa applicant. Their process is emotions-free.
So where will this leave the jobless, single foreigner with no plans or means to study? I don’t know about the others but for me it’s an opportunity to put a pin in the map and find a new home. I’m a freelancer anyway and my clients are not in Egypt so the hassles for me will be limited to selling up furniture, packing my suitcase, saying goodbye to friends, finding a new place to live, changing my phone number, informing all my family, friends and contacts and trying to make sure I stay connected to the internet. I could return to England, but this is not an option I want to take. It’s hard to go home when you’ve changed, people you knew have changed, priorities and interests have changed and if we consider that culture shock is bad, reverse culture shock is worse.
Growing Pains 